The Human Brain Is… Odd.

Or perhaps it’s just my brain…

Have you ever had something on the calendar that you forgot about, and when you were reminded of it, even though it’s something you know you want to do, still feel less than… enthusiastic about it?

Silly, right?

What person needs to be reminded of why they want to hang out with their friends?

Why does unexpected change disturb me so much?

Why do I have to be dragged, kicking and screaming, from my house to go have fun, only to have a blast and not want to leave once I’m actually there?

What’s causing all this mulish anxiety? 

Regardless, I’ll be out having fun this weekend, even if it kills me. 😛


Finally Loving Me (FLM)

Is there peace

inside your soul

or do you lack

what makes you whole?

Inside of me

I have found

a sense of self

and a love profound.

You, also,

may have these gifts:

a soothed soul,

and healed rifts.

Ash will be ash

and dust will be dust-

the Source of all things

lies inside all of us.

A grain of faith,

about a mustard seed will do,

and heaven on Earth

will flow to you.

Don’t take my word

give it a try…

With the right leap of faith

your Spirit will fly.

Meditation Musings

Today’s mindblowing meditation experience.

So, I had another great meditation today.  It’s funny how I say a meditation is great, even when it brings me to tears.

I first felt a feeling, which I remembered the instant it came over me.  I thought, “Hey, I remember this feeling,” and the joy which I felt at its return was indescribable, as was the overwhelming sorrow I felt when I realized just how long I’ve lived my life without it.  I felt the tears, unbidden, come to my eyes; they felt like no other tears I’d ever felt before, and seemed to paint the seam of my closed eyes with liquid heat.

As my meditation progressed, I reached a point where I felt a presence, and again found myself saying, “I remember you.”  Again, I was struck with the same joy/sorrow combination, except so much stronger.  I wept.  The hot tears overflowed from my eyes this time as I again realized the length of time which I had been ‘away’ from this presence.  (This next part may not make much sense)  While I knew my physical, adult body was lying prone, still as death, my ‘meditation body’ suddenly became a child again, and I curled up in a ball and wept. Sobbed, really.  I remember saying, “I’ve missed you so much,” over and over.  Suddenly, I was enveloped, cradled, by this presence, and it was comforting me, and reassuring me that it had never left, and had only been hidden from me for a time, because it was what had to be.

I cannot describe this feeling.  The closest I can come is perhaps akin to how I imagine it would feel to have been born a twin, and being together for the first four years of your life or so, and then they were suddenly gone.  Being so young, you would have forgotten they ever existed… then, you run into them one day, and every moment of love, happiness, and oneness you shared washed over you… the joy at finding them and the sorrow of lost time would be inextricably mixed together.

It was like that.

It was amazing, it was over too soon, and it gave me hope.  Hope that one day I will be rejoined with my companion, that we will again walk in the fields, sit in the sun and just be.  Together. 

I remember my mother saying that when I was little, I was fearless.  That there would be nights when she would look for me, and when she found me, I’d be outside in the pitch black of night, swinging on my swing, singing, having a marvelous time.  I now believe that is because I knew I had nothing to fear.  I was not alone.  (She?) was with me, keeping me safe.

Amazing things are coming.  I can feel it.

Girl (Woman) In Silence

My ears ring with the silence.

I haven’t watched television when I’ve been alone at home for a while now.  I have better things to do.  Like sit in silence, and wonder what I should write in the first post of my second new blog this week.

Yeah. I’m that girl.  Woman.

It’s weird that, even at 36 years old, when I’m thinking about myself, I still have a hard time classifying myself as a ‘woman’ instead of a girl.  It just doesn’t fit well.  Like I’m clomping around in my mom’s high heels, playing dress up.

The only time I assert my ‘womanhood’ is when I feel like someone is treating me like a child.

‘I’m a grown-ass woman!’

I usually wonder, at the times when I happen to notice that about myself, whether that’s normal.  Does my mom still think of herself as a ‘girl’, in her own mind? or is it the part of me that’s still stunted, the inner child that never got a chance to grow up?  Do women which I would label ‘successful’ from the outside, the ones that actually went to college, got good jobs, actually lived alone at some point in their lives… do those women still think of themselves as a ‘girl’ sometimes, or is it just another way that I’m broken?  One more thing to add to the long list of ‘repairs’ that I need to make?

If you happen to find this blog, and care to chime in, please do.  

Is there actually an age where we get to feel ‘all grown up’?  

Is it just a female thing?  

Do men reach their 30’s, 40’s, or beyond, still feeling like a teenager inside?

Ply me with your thoughts.