Confessions (Part 10)

On the other hand, I don’t believe there’s much I can’t learn, if given the proper tools and environment.

I’ve struggled for years to learn Spanish.  I know all I’d need to do is hire someone to spend time with me, all day every day, speaking in Spanish, but understanding English (and my spectacular Spanglish).  There’s no doubt in my mind that if I were dropped off in a Spanish speaking country with no help and no assistance in English, I could survive.  I’m not sure why I still struggle so hard with Spanish, to be honest.

I can’t be too good.  It can’t come too easy.  That makes me a target of people’s expectations.

Part 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 (coming soon!) (If ‘soon’ arrives, and I forget to update the links, somebody please be kind enough to let me know in the comments so I can correct it!)

Confessions (Part 9)

It feels good to say I’m smart.  It also feels bad.  There are a lot of threads in the tapestry of my life tied to that particular warp string.

On one hand, I feel like a fraud.  I was mediocre at best in school, according to my grades.  Graduated top of the lower half of my class in school, dropped out of college after a single semester, and have since been divorced once, married twice, and don’t work nor have children.

Not a strong argument for my being smart, huh?

Part 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 (coming soon!) (If ‘soon’ arrives, and I forget to update the links, somebody please be kind enough to let me know in the comments so I can correct it!)

Confessions (Part 8)

I’m afraid to be too amazing, because my brilliance was used as a club against my brothers, to make them feel bad about themselves.

“Why can’t you be more like your sister?”

Great.  Thanks.  Now the better I do the worse they’ll feel about themselves.

Oh, yes… now that’s a belief I am happy to reveal and release!  I had no idea I even felt that way!  In fact, I always used it as an opportunity to feel bad about myself, because in typical moments of sibling rivalry, I would use it as a club against them, too.  

I admit, at times I have used my gift for evil purposes.  I am not proud of this, but I am learning to let go of my guilt over it, because I was just a stupid kid.

A brilliant stupid kid who grew into a brilliant stupid broken adult.

Part 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 (coming soon!) (If ‘soon’ arrives, and I forget to update the links, somebody please be kind enough to let me know in the comments so I can correct it!)

Confessions (Part 7)

The loves I’ve had and tossed away are too numerable to mention.  Some romantic, some platonic, some a mixture of friendship and unspoken desire.  Desperate, desperate, desperate, I searched for love.  Friendship.  Connection.

Ohhh, but the Creator of Worlds is wise and clever.  If I’d found fulfillment and love amongst my family and peers, if my levels of discomfort and angst hadn’t risen to the levels which they had, I’d never have reached the levels of understanding I’ve gained.  I’d never have budged.

I was such a ‘fraidy-cat.

Part 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 (coming soon!) (If ‘soon’ arrives, and I forget to update the links, somebody please be kind enough to let me know in the comments so I can correct it!)

Confessions (Part 6)

Love would save me, over and over and over again.

It had to.  It was destined to.

Even my name means ‘worthy of great love’.  How cool is that?  All my life, I knew that my name meant ‘worthy of love‘, and I always thought it was a lovely meaning, then recently, a fellow ‘Amanda’ informed me that it actually means ‘worthy of great love’.  Like, the hugeness of the love is so important that it needed to be specified.

I like that.

Part 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 (coming soon!) (If ‘soon’ arrives, and I forget to update the links, somebody please be kind enough to let me know in the comments so I can correct it!)

Confessions (Part 5)

I spent a lot of time thinking about the way I was raised while I was being raised.  I kind of had to come up with my own reasons for things, because whenever I asked an adult ‘why’, I was told, “Because I said so”, or “because the Bible said so”.  Somehow, those answers were never quite enough for me… but, unlike my brothers who carried out their questioning of the rules quite publicly, I waged a silent rebellion.

I stopped trying so hard to impress.  I see now that it was only my fear of emotional or physical pain that even pushed me to do as much as I did.  Combined with an almost pathological need to be liked… paired with two siblings that were both also very gifted, but less… maleable.  Biddable.  Tractable.  Meek.  

I watched them fight the system, get caught and suffer.  I learned not to fight the system if I wasn’t prepared to face the consequences.  Most often, I wasn’t.  I didn’t see the benefit.  The way I saw it, we were stuck.  Just don’t make waves, do your time, and get out.  Like any institution.  School.  Employment.  Prison.  Family.  What’s the difference?  It’s all just more of the same if your heart’s not in it.

I had a lot to learn, but I am so grateful for the gift of wisdom, evidenced within me even as a young child.

Part 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 (coming soon!) (If ‘soon’ arrives, and I forget to update the links, somebody please be kind enough to let me know in the comments so I can correct it!)

Confessions (Part 4)

It just dawned on me that some of my family could be reading this.  Duh.

I try not to share my blogs with my family.  It makes me feel uncomfortable, and I censor my words and my thoughts.  I was disappointed at first, when I realized that I would have to change what I was planning to write, but then I decided that I am actually okay with it.

I decided that I don’t care.

While yes, for their sake (if they’re there), I will be less explicit in my descriptions of my personal escapades, but for once, I’m not going to censor my words or thoughts, just because they could be lurking in the shadows.

I’m tired of the mask.

 

Part 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 (coming soon!) (If ‘soon’ arrives, and I forget to update the links, somebody please be kind enough to let me know in the comments so I can correct it!)

Confessions (Part 3)

It’s funny how we can block some of the horrible things we’ve done in our lives, or that have happened to us.  Funny odd, not funny amusing, I mean.

I was really messed up.

A person that’s dead inside is willing to do terrible things, just to feel something.

I don’t say that as an excuse for the things I’ve done, but I do say it with forgiveness for the broken girl I used to be.

 

 

Part 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 (coming soon!) (If ‘soon’ arrives, and I forget to update the links, somebody please be kind enough to let me know in the comments so I can correct it!)

Confessions (Part 2)

It’s an awful thing, to break a man.  To watch him shatter, knowing he will never be the same again.  I don’t understand how some women can stomach doing it over and over again.  Once was enough for me, and if I could take back the pain I caused, I would.  But I’m not sure if he would want me to, if you asked him now.

I don’t think I would, either.  Not really…

…but it is my one and only lasting regret.

 

 

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Confessions (Part 1)

I watched the life fade from his eyes.  Part of me, the part that wasn’t currently dying, was almost fascinated at the way I could literally watch as all the happiness he’d ever felt drained right out of his soul.  If pain was a tangible thing, I imagine it would be pooling around his feet.  It would probably be red.  Like blood.  I could almost see it now; an ever-expanding crimson wave draining out of him- reaching toward me with sticky red fingers.  As if I’d stabbed him, right through the heart, and he were dying.  I feel like I am dying.

This was a bad idea.

 

Part 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 (coming soon!) (If ‘soon’ arrives, and I forget to update the links, somebody please be kind enough to let me know in the comments so I can correct it!)