Confessions (Part 16)

Whew.

Life got busy on me for a bit.  I hope everyone had a safe, fun-filled holiday (those who enjoyed a holiday this past weekend).

One of the problems with having two blogs where you write about your own life often is that, sometimes you’re not quite sure where to post something.  Where it will have the most… impact.  I think the topic on my heart today belongs over on SS, so I’m slightly flummoxed (I love that word… gobsmacked is another favorite) as to what to write about here.

Though it appears that I have chosen to write about having nothing to write about… and I’m going to be okay with that.  People have started to follow this blog, so I can feel some pressure to please you (the reader), even though, up to this point, each of you followed me for your own reasons, because I haven’t been writing for you, I’ve been writing here for me.  It’s been raw, it’s been honest, it’s been frequent… but it’s been for me… but somehow, it’s called to some of you… and if I allow myself to give in to that pressure, to start writing for those who read, versus she who writes, this blog will just become another SS.  The Lunatic Twin will get shut back into the attic, and that simply will not do.

I love each one of you… and I am thrilled to pieces you find value in my words, but the greatest value this blog has for me in this moment is the space it holds for me to be me.  

Ugly. Wounded. Raw. Wild. Broken. Healing. Masterful. Foolish. Confused. Whole. Shattered.

Free.

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Confessions (Part 15)

There’s something very satisfying about this little series.  I think I enjoy the freedom of it.  I don’t feel locked into one post for some indeterminate length of time.  Sometimes it’s hard to stay in the flow and stay coherent for that length of time.

I think the quick jump in and out lets me decide to stay in focus for a while, if I so desire, or to skip around, changing topics often.

I write these in clusters, and this is about the third cluster.  As of this writing, no one has complained about my writing style, so I presume those who read this enjoy it. 😉

I’m excited.  Life is about to crank up for me.  I can feel it.

Confessions (Part 14)

I’ve seen myself doing all kinds of things.  I’ve seen myself acting, I’ve seen myself as a famous singer… and then I’ve allowed myself to become terrorized at the thought of being up on stage, in front of all those people…

Suddenly, I don’t have that good of a voice, not really.  And I’m too fat to be an actress (despite the abundance of heavy actresses in Hollywood today) or not pretty enough (hello? I’ve seen some of those ‘candid’ photos of the Hollywood elite… they’re just like me.  They have zits and bad hair days, too.

All my life, I’ve been claiming to be looking for passion, but really, I’ve been looking for something that excites me more than it terrifies me.  I’ve looked for reasons why I can’t do the things I have an interest in, and lo and behold, I find one. Every. Single. Time.

I kill my passion with practicality, before it ever has a chance to take root.

Ouch.

Confessions (Part 13)

I find myself wondering why I am continuing to call this a series of anything.  I’m all over the place, but I think I’m saying important stuff.  It feels important at the time.

Everything I write here really is a confession of sorts, I suppose.  It’s literally a transcription of my thoughts.

The secret, innermost thoughts.  The ones we hide from the world (and often, ourselves) because we fear being made fun of, or worse.

I imagine to myself that you, my readers (the millions and millions who will one day read these words), enjoy the fact that they’re raw, honest, and quick.

Confessions (Part 12)

Accept everything, expect nothing. 

I’m still on this.  I like how it can be seen equally from an optimistic and a pessimistic viewpoint.

Pessimist: Accept all the shit they shovel your way, and expect nothing in return for the good you do and the hard work you do for other people.  The only way to avoid disappointment is to have no expectations at all.

Ick.  That felt dirty just to write.  I’ve come a long way in a short time.  Not that long ago, that was how I looked at the world.  But now, I think more like this:

Optimist: Accept all the awesome things coming down the pipeline for you!  Embrace the excitement and thrill of living by your intuition.  Expect nothing, because anything you are able to dream will pale in the face of the reality of how awesome your life is about to get.

Yeah… that one sounds hella better!

Confessions (Part 11)

Accept everything, expect nothing.

That’s the most beautiful sentence that I’ve written in a while.  It’s my new mission statement.  

I’m going to start applying it to everything.  People.  Experiences.  Emotions.  Money.

Oh, that last one was dif-fi-cult! For me, anyway.  I started to write it before I wrote the word ‘Emotions’ and hesitated, thinking, “Oh, not sure if that’s a good idea. I need money!”  But it came back, and this time would not be refused.  So, I guess it is also my new stance on money, too.

This oughta be interesting.

Part 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 (coming soon!) (If ‘soon’ arrives, and I forget to update the links, somebody please be kind enough to let me know in the comments so I can correct it!)

Confessions (Part 10)

On the other hand, I don’t believe there’s much I can’t learn, if given the proper tools and environment.

I’ve struggled for years to learn Spanish.  I know all I’d need to do is hire someone to spend time with me, all day every day, speaking in Spanish, but understanding English (and my spectacular Spanglish).  There’s no doubt in my mind that if I were dropped off in a Spanish speaking country with no help and no assistance in English, I could survive.  I’m not sure why I still struggle so hard with Spanish, to be honest.

I can’t be too good.  It can’t come too easy.  That makes me a target of people’s expectations.

Part 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 (coming soon!) (If ‘soon’ arrives, and I forget to update the links, somebody please be kind enough to let me know in the comments so I can correct it!)