I Deserve Better

A rhyming poem about realizing my own value, and letting go of those who don’t value me.

I hear the thoughts

In my head

Circling round and round.

No one likes you.

No one cares.

Tears roll without sound.

Stop being dramatic

I tell myself

But the evidence abounds.

*

When I pay the bill

They find the time

Their schedules magically free.

But calendars fill

And time dries up

When the only incentive is me.

I’m giving up

because I refuse

to beg on bended knee.

*

I’m there for you.

I give my time.

I give my heart and soul.

But when I ask

For a little back

Your time is now precious as gold.

I’ve played my hand

and you’ve played yours,

I think it’s time we fold.

*

You’re being selfish,

I tell myself

As I sit at home and cry.

But the more I say it

The angrier I get,

Because it’s a giant fucking lie.

I’m done with sorrow.

I’m done with tears.

It’s time I said goodbye.

*

I truly enjoyed

the time we had

but it’s coming to an end.

It takes more 

than my wishful thinking

and rifts you never cared to mend

to earn the right

and the honor

of being called my friend.

~○~

08/18/17

AGP

For the record, I’d like to reassure everyone I am okay… I only finished this up today.  I was having a bit of a pity-party when I began writing this poem, but by the time I finished it today, I had come to the startling realization that I’ve been holding on to quite a few ‘friends’ who let me go a long time past, I just wasn’t willing or able to accept it because I wasn’t ready, and I’d done nothing wrong.  This was a purging of sorts.

Friendship

I’ve been pondering friendship lately.  Why I choose the people I choose as my friends, why I continue to call them ‘friends’ when they obviously don’t consider me to be a very important fixture in their lives…

…and I realize that for many years, I did the same, and it wasn’t because I didn’t care for them, but because I either didn’t know how, or that I was lost in my own bubble.  It’s easy to get caught up in your day to day busy-ness that we forget to keep in touch with the people who matter to us, or to stay silent out of fear of rejection.

If you have someone you care about, but haven’t given them the attention that the level of your affection would indicate they deserve… call them.  Text them.  Email them.  Hell… tag them on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram.  Let them know they cross your mind.

Today, I called my dad.  Of all the people I love, he is probably the most un-aware of my feelings, due to familial habits of interaction.

Who will you reach out to?

The Human Brain Is… Odd.

Or perhaps it’s just my brain…

Have you ever had something on the calendar that you forgot about, and when you were reminded of it, even though it’s something you know you want to do, still feel less than… enthusiastic about it?

Silly, right?

What person needs to be reminded of why they want to hang out with their friends?

Why does unexpected change disturb me so much?

Why do I have to be dragged, kicking and screaming, from my house to go have fun, only to have a blast and not want to leave once I’m actually there?

What’s causing all this mulish anxiety? 

Regardless, I’ll be out having fun this weekend, even if it kills me. 😛

Finally Loving Me (FLM)

Is there peace

inside your soul

or do you lack

what makes you whole?

Inside of me

I have found

a sense of self

and a love profound.

You, also,

may have these gifts:

a soothed soul,

and healed rifts.

Ash will be ash

and dust will be dust-

the Source of all things

lies inside all of us.

A grain of faith,

about a mustard seed will do,

and heaven on Earth

will flow to you.

Don’t take my word

give it a try…

With the right leap of faith

your Spirit will fly.
6/6/17agp

Confessions (Part 19)

In my last post, I spoke of your priceless gift to me.  This post is also about gifts, but it’s about my gift to you.

My gift to you is my honesty.  I won’t pretend to be something I’m not in order to get likes, comments, or follows from you.  I won’t try to make money from your visit to my attic.  I won’t pepper you with Adwords or Affiliate links, and if I recommend something to you, there will be a real-world, non-financially based motive for it.  I don’t see any of you as cash cows, future paychecks, or anything other than my silent tribe of support and acceptance.

Now, I make no promises about SS, but this blog is ad free, incentive free, affiliate free… and it will remain so.

Namaste & Blessed be!

Confessions (Part 18)

The things I write about here are personal.  Some of them, I can’t accept myself for sometimes, and the way this series began… let’s just say that I’m not highlighting my good side.  Maybe I was testing you.  Maybe I was testing me.

I basically just reached inside and pulled up the worst feeling thing I had done, and exposed it.  I don’t know why yet.  I didn’t know why then.

I simply followed my impulses where they led me.  No preconceived notions, no expectations of where this would lead.

One thing I never expected, though (you guys surprised me, for sure) was the silence.  The experience of exposing my deepest, darkest, ugliest moments… and there was silence.

Then it happened.

Someone followed me, but silently.

One by one, you have come, read, and followed, in silence.  Neither encouraging nor discouraging me with your words, just allowing me to express what I need to in mine… and in doing so, you have expressed an acceptance of who I am more deeply than words from any comments on any blog I’ve ever written.

For that reason, I have now disabled the comments on this blog.  Not because I don’t value your responses (had there been any), but because your silent acceptance has been a priceless gift for me, one which I almost missed out on completely, because I was beginning to get discouraged by the silence… 

Thank you for your gift to me.

Confessions (Part 17)

My last post may leave some of you wondering why I even have this blog public.  Where is your value here?  Why have I let you in to this space of mine?

Allow me to explain…

The reason I have made this personal space of mine public, the immeasurable value which you, my silent readers, offer to me can be summed up in one word;

Acceptance.