I’ve been pondering friendship lately. Why I choose the people I choose as my friends, why I continue to call them ‘friends’ when they obviously don’t consider me to be a very important fixture in their lives…
…and I realize that for many years, I did the same, and it wasn’t because I didn’t care for them, but because I either didn’t know how, or that I was lost in my own bubble. It’s easy to get caught up in your day to day busy-ness that we forget to keep in touch with the people who matter to us, or to stay silent out of fear of rejection.
If you have someone you care about, but haven’t given them the attention that the level of your affection would indicate they deserve… call them. Text them. Email them. Hell… tag them on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram. Let them know they cross your mind.
Today, I called my dad. Of all the people I love, he is probably the most un-aware of my feelings, due to familial habits of interaction.
Who will you reach out to?
Or perhaps it’s just my brain…
Have you ever had something on the calendar that you forgot about, and when you were reminded of it, even though it’s something you know you want to do, still feel less than… enthusiastic about it?
What person needs to be reminded of why they want to hang out with their friends?
Why does unexpected change disturb me so much?
Why do I have to be dragged, kicking and screaming, from my house to go have fun, only to have a blast and not want to leave once I’m actually there?
What’s causing all this mulish anxiety?
Regardless, I’ll be out having fun this weekend, even if it kills me. 😛
I’m wearing a shirt I bought about two years ago and took the tags off of last Friday. It’s buttoned closed, and I feel good.
Have I mentioned yet how awesome I feel?
I feel great. And I’m not sorry for it. I’m not sorry that I feel amazing. I’m not sorry to tell you that I’ve lost 10 pounds (I believe that’s ‘nearly a stone’ across the pond) in the past few weeks without trying. I’m not sorry to say that I have a husband that is so absolutely amazing that I sometimes can’t believe he’s human. Really. It’s just not normal to be that zen in your love for someone… is it?
He sees me at my absolute worst and doesn’t love me ‘in spite of it’… he just loves me. He doesn’t stand there thinking how horrible I’m being, he’s thinking ‘how can I help the woman I love, who is so obviously hurting?‘. It’s just not normal, I tell you… the man is my friggin’ rock.
I’m not sorry to shout to the rooftops that I’m happy. I’m thrilled beyond measure with my life. I’m not sorry that I dislike listening to people complain these days. I’m not sorry that one minute I’m annoyed, and the next minute I’ve figured out how to love you for whatever you’re doing or did, and love myself for not liking whatever you did or didn’t do.
I’m not sorry that I make people acutely aware of their own alignment with their Higher Self, or lack thereof. I’m not sorry that I sometimes don’t recognize my own inconsistencies, but see yours clearly. I’m not sorry that I am sometimes so unaware of my state of misalignment that I get angry when others point it out, that I sometimes take a little longer to see the truth in another’s observations.
This post was longer, but there was an obvious energy shift (as you can see, I was still feeling a bit defiant while writing this. It was written the same day as my previous post over on SS). What I chose to do was to split the posts into two, because they are so obviously written from two different frequencies!
There’s something very satisfying about this little series. I think I enjoy the freedom of it. I don’t feel locked into one post for some indeterminate length of time. Sometimes it’s hard to stay in the flow and stay coherent for that length of time.
I think the quick jump in and out lets me decide to stay in focus for a while, if I so desire, or to skip around, changing topics often.
I write these in clusters, and this is about the third cluster. As of this writing, no one has complained about my writing style, so I presume those who read this enjoy it. 😉
I’m excited. Life is about to crank up for me. I can feel it.
I’ve seen myself doing all kinds of things. I’ve seen myself acting, I’ve seen myself as a famous singer… and then I’ve allowed myself to become terrorized at the thought of being up on stage, in front of all those people…
Suddenly, I don’t have that good of a voice, not really. And I’m too fat to be an actress (despite the abundance of heavy actresses in Hollywood today) or not pretty enough (hello? I’ve seen some of those ‘candid’ photos of the Hollywood elite… they’re just like me. They have zits and bad hair days, too.
All my life, I’ve been claiming to be looking for passion, but really, I’ve been looking for something that excites me more than it terrifies me. I’ve looked for reasons why I can’t do the things I have an interest in, and lo and behold, I find one. Every. Single. Time.
I kill my passion with practicality, before it ever has a chance to take root.
I find myself wondering why I am continuing to call this a series of anything. I’m all over the place, but I think I’m saying important stuff. It feels important at the time.
Everything I write here really is a confession of sorts, I suppose. It’s literally a transcription of my thoughts.
The secret, innermost thoughts. The ones we hide from the world (and often, ourselves) because we fear being made fun of, or worse.
I imagine to myself that you, my readers (the millions and millions who will one day read these words), enjoy the fact that they’re raw, honest, and quick.
Accept everything, expect nothing.
I’m still on this. I like how it can be seen equally from an optimistic and a pessimistic viewpoint.
Pessimist: Accept all the shit they shovel your way, and expect nothing in return for the good you do and the hard work you do for other people. The only way to avoid disappointment is to have no expectations at all.
Ick. That felt dirty just to write. I’ve come a long way in a short time. Not that long ago, that was how I looked at the world. But now, I think more like this:
Optimist: Accept all the awesome things coming down the pipeline for you! Embrace the excitement and thrill of living by your intuition. Expect nothing, because anything you are able to dream will pale in the face of the reality of how awesome your life is about to get.
Yeah… that one sounds hella better!