I spent a lot of time thinking about the way I was raised while I was being raised. I kind of had to come up with my own reasons for things, because whenever I asked an adult ‘why’, I was told, “Because I said so”, or “because the Bible said so”. Somehow, those answers were never quite enough for me… but, unlike my brothers who carried out their questioning of the rules quite publicly, I waged a silent rebellion.
I stopped trying so hard to impress. I see now that it was only my fear of emotional or physical pain that even pushed me to do as much as I did. Combined with an almost pathological need to be liked… paired with two siblings that were both also very gifted, but less… maleable. Biddable. Tractable. Meek.
I watched them fight the system, get caught and suffer. I learned not to fight the system if I wasn’t prepared to face the consequences. Most often, I wasn’t. I didn’t see the benefit. The way I saw it, we were stuck. Just don’t make waves, do your time, and get out. Like any institution. School. Employment. Prison. Family. What’s the difference? It’s all just more of the same if your heart’s not in it.
I had a lot to learn, but I am so grateful for the gift of wisdom, evidenced within me even as a young child.